Of chocolate spread and mutants
by Requiana
Summary: Lister loses his favourite chocolate spread only to try and get it back.......through desperate measures
1. choclate and beer?

"Cat! Cat!" Lister hadn't been so irritated since the Cat took his best t-shirt to use as a duster. He'd insisted he thought it was an old rag, and that it had come up a treat with some stain remover.

"Cat! Where the smeg is he?" he muttered to himself angrily, as he strode around the cargo decks. Rounding a corner he came upon a none-too-strange sight. The Cat was staring with love at his reflection in his pocket mirror. Immobile and oblivious to all around him, he was helpless. Lister charged toward him and kicked the mirror from his grasp.

"Thanks man" the Cat exclaimed breathlessly. "Phew, I was getting worried I'd never be able to move again, and that would be a shame for my fans who love to see me glide gracefully, slide…"

"Never mind that now. Where the smeg is my chocolate spread?" said Lister, breathing heavily.

"Huh?" the Cat said blankly. "Chocolate spread? Man, I would never touch something you'd like to eat! Go ask square head." The Cat retrieved his mirror from along the corridor and returned to staring lovingly at his perfect reflection.

"Cats" exclaimed Lister exasperatedly, as he left to find Kryten.

"Dum dee doo" Kryten hummed as he buffed the gleaming glass jar that once contained chocolate spread to a fine finish. As Lister entered the room he held it up to the light. "What do you think Mr. Lister sir? Doesn't it look just fabulous?" 

"Kryten? What was in that jar if you don't mind me asking?" Lister said trying to control his temper.

"Why, a horrible brown sticky substance sir, not unlike your favourite chocolate spread." replied Kryten, bewildered.

"Kryten, that _was _my favourite chocolate spread, you plastic goit!" shouted Lister, flecks of spit flying.

"Oh no sir, not this sir," said Kryten, a smile appearing on his twisted face, "This was tinged darker, it was also runnier and smelled most displeasing."

"That was the beer I added for extra flavour. I was looking forward to eating that!" Lister cried. "I was gonna have that with a nice vindaloo for dinner!"

"Well I'm terribly sorry sir, but can't you just go and order some more chocolate spread and add more beer to it?" asked Kryten.

"No, that's the point, you have to let it ferment and mould. That'd been preparing for weeks," wailed Lister.

"What's going on here may I ask gentlemen?" Rimmer's self-congratulating tone came from the doorway.

"He just cleaned out my favourite chocolate spread with extra beer!" Lister announced, the anguish showing clearly in his face.

"Oh no Listy, your favourite? Oh that's just too bad" Rimmer smirked.

"Don't push me Rimmer, I was looking forward to eating that!" Lister warned.

"It's just as well Holly's spent the last few days making another useless invention, apparently with one sample, it can restore anything to it's state at a point in time you choose." Before Lister could say anything Rimmer continued "Basically Listy, with just a little of this chocolate spread, we can program it to recreate itself before Kryten killed off whatever you were breeding in that jar."

"Rock 'n' roll" Lister yelled, ecstatic.

"Krytie my good droid, do you have any of Listy's spread left?"

"Why yes Mr. Rimmer sir, as a matter of fact I was just on my way to get the plunger, it's blocking up the sink."

"Excellent, collect a sample and I'll meet you in the science room in ten minutes. Listy," He said turning to Lister, "Go find that idiotic cat and I'll see you in ten." With that he strolled out. Kryten and Lister exchanged apprehensive glances and made ready to follow him.

Review please, I'm dying to know if I can write anything that isn't LOTR, not that I've written much of that either but………

REQUIANA


	2. it worked, or did it? lol

Thanks to everyone who took the time to review, It took me a few days to update 'cos I couldn't summon up any enthusiasm. Enjoy!

"So Holly, remind me what this does again." said Lister for the fifth time. Holly rolled his digitalized eyes on the monitor. 

"With a sample of this beer-blended chocolate spread, I can recreate it for you, is that clear enough?" Holly's voice held a pleading note.

"Right," said Lister, nodding "I think I've got it."

"Honestly Lister, I sometimes think your no more intelligent than your fish." scoffed Rimmer.

"Right," said Holly, before any more arguments could break out. "Let's do it." Kryten placed his collected sample on the desk in the science room.

"I advise you to step back sirs," he warned. 

Rimmer strode over to the keyboard and typed in a command and a flash of light blinded everyone for a few seconds. With the buzz of electricity still in the air, the party crowded around the table, 

"Did it work?" was Lister's immediate question.

"Certainly looks like it" concluded Holly. Lister picked up the jar, now full of what looked like his chocolate spread with beer.

"Well Holly," said Rimmer, "It looks like one of your pointless inventions has finally worked. I applaud you." 

"Well, cheers Hol," called Lister as he ran back to the sleeping quarters with the full jar.

Later that night, the remnants of Lister's meal were lying on the floor next to the dozing human. Rimmer walked in, took the situation in with a glance and stepped over Lister, kicking accidentally on purpose, the contempt showing clearly on his face. Lister was having a very strange dream indeed, as he lay groaning and writhing about. He dreamt that Rimmer was standing over him with chocolate spread all over his face. He was taunting him and pouring beer all over him. Then Kryten waddled over wearing a blue smock and said 

"Don't worry Mr. Lister sir, I've worked it out, the probability of you giving your virus to Miss Kochanski from three million years ago is next to nothing."

"V virus? But I don't have a virus" Lister tried to tell him, but the words wouldn't come out, his mouth was blocked with something. It was about to suffocate him. He couldn't breathe. He was gasping for air. He woke up. 

Lister sat up and looked about, he had been lying on his curry container and he now had orange gunk all over him where his face had been in it. At least that explained the suffocation. But what about these stomach cramps that had come upon him, the short, stabbing pains that forced him into a crouching position. 

"Rimmer, Rimmer!" he croaked, what had happened to his voice? "_Rimmer_!" he tried again, louder.

"What? What is it? Oh for god's sake Lister it's two in the morning, what's wrong with you?"

"I don't know," whispered Lister, "but I don't feel too good." He blacked out.

Lister came to, he opened his eyes and a tall, thin man with an "H" on his forehead came hazily into view.

"What, what happened man?" he coughed. "How long have I been here?"

"Well, dearie me, dearie, dearie me." said Rimmer, a look of interest on his face. "You don't know what happened, I don't know what happened, But" he added "It _is_ something to do with that over there." He nodded towards the table where the half-full jar of spread was sitting on the table in a sterilized bag. "You ate a whole half jar of that stuff?" he asked with disgust. "That probably explains it. We're just waiting for Kryten to come back with the results from the lab; we thought it would be best to run tests on it you see. By the way, the Cat sends his love" 

For a full half hour they sat in silence, until

"Here we are Mr. Rimmer sir, the results from the…" He shuddered and handed over a clipboard. Rimmer looked over the results, his face growing more pale by the line.

"Holly" he called,

"Yes Arnold?" Holly's huge face appeared. 

"You goit, you know what you've done don't you? You didn't replicate the beer and chocolate spread, you bred it! Beer and chocolate spread don't go well together. Who knows what you've created!"

Heeheeheehee poor, poor Lister R&R please guys

REQUIANA


	3. Operatiaaaaaaaaaaaaan

Ok my darlings, after a very long break and two more reviews I think I may be ready for another chappie!

"You didn't replicate the beer and chocolate spread, you bred it! Beer and chocolate spread don't go well together. Who knows what you've created!"

"Lister's face turned very pale, "Bred beer and chocolate spread?" he whispered.

"Oh yes Listy, lovely little reaction you've got going on in your stomach" replied Rimmer, trying to hide the grin that threatened to spread across his face. Lister looked appalled. He tried not to think of what could be now almost _living _in his stomach.

"There's only one thing for it Dave" decided Holly, the look of shame replaced by one of determination. "We've got to get it out of you, extract it I s'pose." Lister, if possible, looked a little greener.

"How?" he croaked. Holly didn't quite know, but didn't want to reveal to the crew he'd never been in this situation before. "Oh, easy Dave, don't worry, peace of cake this operation."

"Operation?" Lister cried, "No-one said anything about an operation!"

"Kryten get me a syringe, a sharp pair of scissors, a laser scalpel and a LOT of bandages," commanded Rimmer, taking absolutely no notice of the almost faint Lister.

"Rimmer, what are you going to do man?" said Lister with a worried look of apprehension.

"Nothing Holly hasn't directed before" Rimmer assured him. "Isn't that so Holly?" he enquired with one of those play-along-looks.

"Of course Arnold" replied Holly. Not voicing his concern about his strictly limited surgery knowledge.

After five minutes of silence, Kryten returned with Rimmer's requested items. Before Lister could protest, Kryten, with a look of pain at hurting a human, put him to sleep. Rimmer pulled on some surgical gloves and brandished the evilly glinting scalpel.

"Holly," he said boldly "What do I do?"

Lister came to the next day. He lay in bed, his face contorted with pain every time he attempted to move. After a few minutes, Kryten and the Cat entered the room.

"Hey buddy," cried the Cat as he sat on the bed, causing Lister to wince. "How you doin'?" he asked with a genuine look of interest on his face.

"Not too bad" sighed Lister. "Where's Rimmer?"

"He's asleep sir, he was very tired after performing three operations" Kryten informed him.

"Three operations?" yelped Lister, "Why three?"

"Well sir" gulped Kryten, "It didn't quite go to plan the first or second time and Holly had to start again. Oh but it's all alright now, the marks will fade in time" he rushed to assure Lister.

"Marks? What marks?" the paleness that had come to be familiar on Lister's face was back again.

"Oh nothing" said Kryten with an air of loftiness. "Forget I said anything sir." At this point Rimmer strolled in.

"Listy, I am so very, very, very sorry. There's no forgiving. No one deserves those." Rimmer looked close to hologramatic tears.

"_No one deserves what?" _shouted Lister, looking extremely scared now. "_What's going on?" _he wailed.

I haven't decided on what's happened yet, I'll probably dream up something in the next few days. I'm open to suggestions though!

REQUIANA


End file.
